“I never knew it could be so easy!”

Who wants to rank on Google these days? With a paltry 3.5 billion searches per day, surely there must be a better way to find your fans. And even though we hear plenty of noise about ‘how important it is to rank online’ and why you need to ‘demonstrate excellent SEO’, we think that there’s also a lot of value in being different! That’s why we’ve decided to buck the trend of ranking online and instead have prepared this oh-so-handy guide to help you LOSE your Google rank – and we can promise results in just TEN DAYS.

Sound too good to be true? Well, it’s not. If you follow these tips and do them as we explain, you’ll see your business name sliding down those rankings faster than you can say black hat SEO.

Day 1: Make it easy for Google to know what you’re looking to rank for by hiding paragraphs of keywords in white-on-white text

This is a great way to send a clear message to Google, telling them, ‘Hey Google! Let’s keep this between us.’ While Google might call this ‘deceptive’ and say that we’re ‘manipulating’ the search results, we say it’s a win, so long as you’re looking to see your rankings fall as fast as possible.

If you’re not keen on the idea of white on white, then why not try these other handy tips:

  • Set your font size to ‘zero’ (yes, that’s a thing!)
  • Use your CSS code to craftily position all your text off the screen
  • Hide your text behind an image
  • Hide links by linking a teeny weeny hyphen (likethis)

Day 2: Get those links! It doesn’t matter if you have to hire a bunch of SEO hackers from O-Desk to create them at a fraction of what it should cost – you get those links!

If you really want to see a sharp drop in your rank, we emphasise the importance of paying some cowboy SEO person to get you as many links as possible, as quickly as possible. The dodgier, the better. Is it a website that exists purely as a link farm? Then you want your business name associated with them quick smart.

For bonus points here, make sure you try to include links from the comments section of other websites, link to a foreign country while your audience is on home soil, and if you can, make sure you use the main keyword as your anchor text! You’ll see results in no time.

Day 3: Get landing pages up and running for every suburb between Brisbane and the Gold Coast – even if you don’t service those particular areas

So, your gardening business services a niche area in Brisbane city – big deal, we say! Why not try and get ranking online for other areas? Google thinks it’s unscrupulous, but we say it’s a tip-top way to slither your way down those ranking results. And hey, with this tactic, you’ll end up somewhere on at least page four or five – even if you were on page one. What a result!

Day 4: Add iframe pop-ups every time a new page loads, asking people to sign up to your blog

This is not only super annoying, but Google also hates it. So you actually get a win-win here – people will be more likely to spend a short amount of time on your page, which will lead to a high bounce rate, and that only serves to shunt you further down those glorious rankings.

Day 5: In every instance that your keywords appear on your website, hyperlink them back to the homepage

Apparently, it’s not very kosher to link your own keywords back to your homepage, and some people even find it annoying. Well, to that we say pfft and recommend that you hyperlink the bejeesus out of your site. Remember, it’s all in the name of those sweet, sweet losses!

Day 6: Remove all the content from your site and replace it with flash animations

We love this one, because not only do you get an entire site full of really compelling and anxiety-inducing Flash animations, but you also get a sweet slide down Google’s good books. Flash animations are completely unreadable as far as Google is concerned, but even though everyone knows that a picture tells a thousand words, we reckon Google aren’t going to be convinced. So it’s a big win for this one.

Day 7: Make your title tags and meta descriptions as long as possible, and make sure they display all your keywords in list format

Meta what now? Meh. If you can even be bothered including meta descriptions on your site, at least, please, for the love of your terrible ranking online – make sure you cram as much information into them as you can. While Google thinks they’re being smart by ‘suggesting’ that your meta descriptions should be 156 characters, we think that if you want to write a novel, you should. And you should be appropriately penalised for it, too!

Well, friends, we hope you have enjoyed reading what is quite clearly a satirical look at what to do if you want to shatter your rankings online. For more wonderful ways to avoid the above results, we recommend giving us a call and getting your business ranking like it deserves to.